Where Have You Been?

I can't believe it's been about eleven months since my last blog post! Talk about random updates. I guess because I use IG/Facebook for important updates in my life, my blog somehow falls to the wayside.  A lot has gone on so here is a little recap of the latest and greatest...

1. Joined a new team called Team Varlo.

2. Traveled to Turks and Caicos with Amy.

3. Listened to many of Amy's jokes.

4. I guess the jokes were OK since we both then decided to live together.

5. Celebrated my two year Cancer free Anniversary in Florida with friends.

6. PR'd a half marathon.

7. Ran another half marathon on a not so great Achilles which has lingered to now (my fault 100%) I NEEDED TO RUN THIS RACE SINCE IT WAS MY TWO YEARS OF BEING OUT OF CHEMO... but again.. my fault.

8. Traveled to Charlotte with Amy to hear more of her jokes in another state.

9. Celebrated my 42nd birthday with the fam.

10. Coached my niece's rec softball team again and survived.  I love those girls!

11. Podiumed at a sprint triathlon in Lavalette (again, should not have ran).

12. Received many "thank-yous” from the people I work for. 

13. Came to the realization that I could not run the NYC Marathon in November with Fred's team so handed them over a nice donation from my friends and family supporting Cancer research.  We all love science!

I would say at about item number thirteen (June-ish) is when things started to not feel right with me.  Everyday felt like groundhogs day.  Nothing excited me.  Things were just meh.  I couldn't understand why I felt like this.  I kept trying to push through it.  Kept at my day to day, stayed consistent in training with my mind set change to doing anything but something I really enjoy... that being running.  Everyday was grey.  I finally raised my hand and asked for help.  I think after going through such a traumatic experience such as Cancer and chemotherapy I never had the chance and or wanted to process what was happening during treatment.  After two years, random stuff started triggering me and anxiety/depression possibly reared its head.  I remember my Oncologist telling me at one point during our calls "I need you to find something other than sports that makes you happy, because if you can't do it one day, you may find yourself not at a good place."  I'm not sure if my Achilles injury triggered this, but I think it was the timing of everything, not just the injury.  During chemo all I did was fight the first six days after treatment.  Every treatment was disgusting.  Different side effects each time.  Everything was a fight.  I was so tired of all the medications and the fighting that the last two sessions I think I did cold turkey.  No steroids or ativan.  I have had enough.  Fast forward now, two years later... I'm not fighting anything (except my foot) and for some reason things have popped up that make me feel not myself.  But, thanks to my doctors, acupuncturist and medicine (Lexapro), I am finally starting to feel myself again.  

Five weeks ago I started taking 5mg, and if anyone knows about Lexapro it takes a few weeks to work.  Well ten days in and after a really nice social weekend with my Team Varlo peeps... I saw unicorns and butterflies.  I was scared to tell anyone because I thought it was just a fluke day but my friend Tammy noticed right away on the phone but didn't want to say anything.  And if anyone knows us...she just waits until I come to her.  I was just so scared to tell people because I just wasn't sure.  I didn't even want to tell Amy.. but obviously I did and she was so happy!  Suddenly flowers appeared.

Shit! I should have blogged sooner but I was in a weird place.  Completely functional but just a weird spot.  I honestly thought at first that it was just the whole working from home thing and groundhog day and it would pass.  But it wasn't passing.  Like how much can I do to keep myself busy and happy?  Work, train, socialize, coach softball, race, drink, eat and the list goes on.  I'm just so happy I raised my hand and asked for help.  Anxiety and depression come in so many different forms (I guess I can assume here because I am NOT a licensed professional).  You can be highly functional but be on a damn merry-go-round in your head that you can't get off with circus music playing day in and day out.

I honestly have no idea what I'm getting at right now because it's been so long since I've blogged and I went on a life rant above but if you're not feeling yourself raise your hand, be kind to your brain, ask for help, lean on your partner, friends and family, get off social media if it hurts you and doesn't help you and just keep swimming.

My days are still not perfect but what day is? Keep working and be consistent. This will only help you in your long game. 

Live.Laugh.Lexapro

Stephanie