Half - wayyyyyyyyyy

So today is a big day. Today is my half way point. The PET scan will determine if the Cancer is still looming or gone!  I honestly don’t know how to feel. Obviously I will be happy if the Lymphoma is gone! But the thought of it being gone and then having to do four more treatments of chemo... fucking hell! Then there is the side of it still being in my body which is OK and plowing through the next four chemos like a beast.  IDK it’s weird to think of this way but if it’s gone then why more chemo? Obviously I have asked Dr. Hamlin that on our initial meeting and obviously I know why I have to finish... but there is a part of me that’s holding onto this hope of me being super natural and the Dr. saying “you’re so amazing you don’t have to finish”. Wishful thinking! They will have to drag me to the next four appointments that’s for sure! Again this is where my head is at right now. And my head is a mess.

The past few weeks have been really dark.  My mind and body changes from hour to hour. Smiling one minute, crying the next, running around the block, laying in a pool of sweat in my bed... I think you get the drift.  To top it off... the fucking hair loss.  And this morning like a rash on my face?! Geeeezeeeeeeeeee.... there are no words to how traumatic the hair loss/thinning experience is to a woman. What I would give to take a shower and not have clumps of hair all over my body.  For god sakes I dry off in the shower in hopes of not having hair all over my feet. For anyone that knows me, they know my place is spotless and I’m neurotic about things being clean and in place. 

So yes, these past few weeks really sucked mentally. I know I’m smiling in some of my pictures I post because honestly I felt really damn good at that point. Then with a blink of an eye I’m either practically crying or about to buzz my hair off and throw something out the window. That’s Cancer for you! The process beats you up, beats you up again, destroys your body, then makes ya feel good which is almost ridiculous but it does, then says a big Fuck You right into your next appointment.

So things I’ve been doing to adjust... wearing scarves to cover huge bald spots, hats.. hats are great... make up helps the sick look at times (god bless the Thrive eye brightening pen), eating many many greens, working out, counting macros, counting my patience, annoying my pets, hydrating, hair cuts, drinking this new fizzy alcoholic drink called Lover Boy, ate a pork chop... IDK the list goes on. 

Well let me saddle up and pick out one of my finest headscarves and head out.  I will leave you with one question since we are on the hair topic...

Would you rather have grass that’s hair or hair that is grass?