The Final Dance

First week post last chemo treatment aka 4B .... let’s just say WOW!  Physically I did not expect to feel this good at all. Managed to muscle through the last treatment without the two days of Dexamethasone aka Dexa-CrystalMeth-aZone aka a very strong steroid and took myself off the Ativan as well. I was taking Ativan mostly to assist in sleeping but I’m just done. Done with the chemo, done with the pills, done done done!  But I’m not done with my gummy’s HA! God bless. I was a little uncomfortable the first day.  Felt that chemo surging through my body but it got better each day. Managed to get my calories in with the help of my friend Zofran and as the days progressed the emotions and some crying got better and better. Honestly coming off the meds was the best thing I could have done for myself. 

So physically I’m feeling good but mentally a little sketchy.  Sketch is fine ... Sketchanie is fine.  I have my social worker, I have my two Psychologists (hahahah yes two! that’s how crazy I am now..... kidding!) and I have a support system around me that will aide in me “re-entering” the living.  

I guess you can say right now I’m focusing on trying to feel good on the inside so I can feel better about the outside.  I’m re-building my confidence and trying to embrace this complete re-start that I just had to my body and mind.  I’m not easy on myself at all.  People that are close to me know this.  The past two treatments whacked me hard.  The chemo stick is rough.  Looking like death every morning is hard.  I do make jokes obviously because if we can’t laugh about it then I would be going nuts.  Thank god for those Thrive products .... they bring light to this face HA! But until I feel better on the inside and build that confidence, the outside may struggle a bit.  Again thank god for Thrive and “Chelsea”.

Getting back out there is hard.  The things that go through my brain on a daily basis is a lot.  Am I good enough? Can I complete my daily tasks? Am I good enough for people? Am I too much? Am I pretty enough today to run errands? Why does my body look like something out of the Hunger Games? How do I look in this hat? Does my wig look “wiggish? What if I run an errand alone and I get overwhelmed? .... Yes these are all things that I feel daily ... exhausting right!?  At the end of the day ... yes I know I have all of these feelings right now and that’s OK... I will get better.  Day by day, hour by hour... things will get better and I need to focus on my “glow-up” on the inside to have my “glow-up” on the outside.

I know this post could be a lot but my blog is out there. Cancer stuff or non Cancer stuff .. I hope by me expressing my feelings here and there it will help someone feel OK today about what they might be going through.  Plus I’m not sugar coating shit about this journey, that’s for Damn sure. 

This is District 12 signing off (enter mocking jay noise)